2.5.11

Transparent reflection from April through May

There are a little less than 14 weeks to go until my year long journey in Germany is complete. I wanted to update my first reflection post with another, to signal even more changes. It's a bit of a weird feeling really, to know that you've changed so much. I've been blogging since I was a Junior in high school so I can literally read through and pick out the ways life has been altered for myself. I'm not going to link to any of those other blog as some deeply personal (probably what happens to all naive 16 year olds who think the internet is theirs and theirs alone). Scary.

Yesterday, while flipping through old photos on my computer (need to clear some space), I stumbled upon photos of photos:
My twin and I.
More twin and an exhausted teenage me in Wilmington, NC.
Side note: You see that "music player" clipped to my strap? What were the name of those? They had tiny CD's and would play like 30 secs of a popular song!
All these got me thinking about how close me and my sister were when we were really young. We never had that 'twin connection" but we had a sister bond. My fondest memories are of us in Blockbuster, trying to pick which Mary-Kate and Ashley video we would watch that week. Side note: we have seen them all. We grew apart quite rapidly once we hit 7th grade. I was starting to get more competitive in all forms: art, sports, theatre and etc, slowly shutting her and my family out completely. I wanted to win everything, beat everyone, including my sister. By high school, we could no longer be considered on friendly terms with one another.

This makes me sad to think about because although our terms got better when I moved to San Francisco, the relationship itself was no priority to me. None of my family relationships were. My competition of making myself bigger and better than any person in my family previous had ostracized me. Why did I want to get on the phone and talk with them when I could easily just go out and live my own life? It was weird to me when people told me that they called their parents every week our just had to go and visit their family over the weekend. I was sad about this, but I told myself that I really couldn't be bothered to care.

In my last reflection, I touched on how being abroad made me actually want to be with my family. I found myself sending more post cards and making more Skype calls then I could have imagined. A couple days ago I even called my sister, who recently became a full member of the Air Force and when you discovered it was me she squealed in excitement. And to tell you the truth, I was excited too. She walked out of the movie theater she was in (feel bad for those who were watching) to speak with me for a few minutes. It was great, and it made me feel that I too, had a family again. 

Life never gives you a chance to go back and rehearse, to do your lines over, but it's all good. Study abroad hasn't erased past mistakes by any means, but it sure as hell corrected a few. It also doesn't mean that I've stopped regretting things, because I haven't. 

Sometimes, I just want to be a kid again, sitting up in my loft bed with my twin, scrawny legs dangling, fighting over who would be Mary-Kate. 
And that's okay.

2 comments:

  1. I think the hardest part about living abroad is missing family stuff. My mom called me last night - my brother had his first prom and my cousin had her first communion! I started crying all of a sudden; everyone was growing up without me being there. So sad!

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  2. I totally had one of those music player things! (The name escapes me......) but I remember that's how I learned about Dream Street AND THEY WERE EXPENSIVE! I had the little stereo player lol

    I wanted to be Mary-Kate too.

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