11.11.10

Tuebingen and the art of Reflection

Days lately have been just passing me by. I make a blog post, speak a little, watch a little, write a little more and suddenly it's been a week. It's truly quite a horrible thing. Lately time has been spent studying, being 'rented' by a program called 'Rent-an-American', applying for more scholarships (like the amazing one Gilman has given me!!), and oh, well, I'm really not sure.

I have never had days, weeks, months, hours or seconds pass me by so fast. Literally every day is i fast forward and it's quite scary to think that I'll be going back soon. And by soon, that means about 7 months, but really it's just ticking ticking ticking away from me. Thinking in reverse and telling myself that everything is going by so slow sometimes helps.

Tuebingen, Germany has truly been an experience these past months. Autumn is creeping away slowly as all the golden leaves which once hung gently in the trees are being whisked to the ground by the cold winds. Tennis has started but also been halted due to renovations of the courts and me also missing the first day and it makes me sad to think about. I'm going to try and find another tennis court that is free to practice on alone. Life has been full of surprises here in Germany mainly because it allows for a lot of self-reflection and emotional thinking. I feel a lot better about myself just after the quick time here and that's not to say it's due to residing here but about learning so much about myself already. Happiness isn't just a rare commodity that appears on my face but not in my heart anymore. I think genuinely good thoughts a majority of the days now.

Learning another language helps. It's just so vital to have anywhere a sense of belonging and when you can speak a little with citizens here, all the better. Who knows what will happen with my German a few years from now? It will be a little device in my back pocket, a conversation starter, a job helper, a safety net of sorts. I'm happy to be learning in speaking in a language that isn't mine.

People are so nice here that it reminds me of my days in Missouri and North Carolina. That is not to say I was never bullied (because I was terribly as a child) or that everyone brought out sweet tea for newcomers (because they didn't) but there is a certain feeling I get from the South or Midwest that makes me feel comfort. Southern gentleman and manners have been not so existent my last couple of years in San Francisco, and it's great to find that here. This is a special thank you to all the lovely and well-mannered men I have met here who have either helped me either by just being a friend or have looked out for me.

Self-reflection is a beautiful thing, even if the results don't come up in your favour. Lots of apologies are to be had on my part and slowly the emails are flowing to make some solidarity for those mistakes. Growing up and being an adult is hard. I use to be able to distance myself form my family for weeks at a time, not caring what they were doing or how they were. I hurt my twin sister really badly with that throughout our lives because she has always been the emotional one wanting to talk things out or be close. However, for me, emotions don't come out so often for others and mine are most often selfish and hidden. Talking to people about serious stuff has always been a tough thing and most often I avoid it things like that altogether. I also used to have quite a bit fear of the telephone (which has been lessened to a slight fear), among other normal things that others seem to have a simple time dealing with.

Throughout my two and a half years in San Francisco I was wrong many times, hurtful and probably just a downright awful roommate. Passive aggressive tendencies are slowly being shaken out, and sorry if you have met the wrath of that (especially Colzie, my last roommate, who is actually a great guy.) Sometimes people are just meant to be friends, but not actually live together.

Now don't hear me wrong, I do have good tendencies but while here, the bad ones have stuck out to me and are the ones I hope to reconstruct and dissolve.

Hopefully soon there will be more steady posts on study tips, scholarship tips and all other sorts of things to prepare you, or help you relive your semester or year abroad. Till then, take some time to make your own self or life reflection, it really brings new light to everything! And never be afraid that it's too late to apologize for your mistakes, because it never is.

2 comments:

  1. The truth and the rawness of this is quite beautiful angela.

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  2. Thank you Kristina! It was very much a great release.

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